Pine Fresh

If you are going to donate an item to charity and think "Someone could use this," then throw it away. Sure, someone could use your old, crusty air fresheners. But nobody will. If the value and purpose of your item is not obvious then it is trash. Your item is trash. A common problem at the Donation Location starts at home. A donor will be sorting through their belongings, making a pile for trash and one for charity. A toy that has seen better days, but might find a special place in a child's heart makes it into the charity pile. A book, still readable but with the cover torn off, goes in the trash. Now one pile begins to resemble the other and the donor begins to think, "Why am I doing this? This is all good stuff." Next thing you know, I'm debating the value of air fresheners that seem to have been stunt doubles for toilet paper. And then they let me in on the epiphany they had at home when they became to lazy to evaluate their belongings, "Well, someone could use this." Could they? Because I don't think they could, and if I'm not mistaken I'm the one who spends 40 hours a week selling used stuff to people. You're a jackass who wants to feel like he's "going green" by giving his shit to charity. Really you just want to get rid of your crap. Maybe poor people should be grateful for whatever you toss their way. Or maybe lower income doesn't mean lower standards and no dignity. Oh, you'd like tax receipt? Yeah, better get the deduction for your used pie pans. What's the point of "helping" people if you can't benefit from it. I'm done. I need to go take my inhaler.

Pedophile Playlist

Things to keep in mind when choosing songs for your compilation aimed at kids:

1. Songs called "Gonna Make You Sweat" are creepy to play for kids. If the kids like the song, they will learn it and then sound creepy singing along.

2. Don't choose songs written by people convicted of downloading child pornography and sexually abusing children.

3. DON'T CHOOSE SONGS WRITTEN BY PEOPLE CONVICTED OF DOWNLOADING CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUALLY ABUSING CHILDREN!

Those are the only rules. Very simple.

Note: "Gonna Make You Sweat" was not written by a child porn fan. Rock and Roll, Pt. 2 was.

Box

This isn't a bad donation. It's just a box that came with other things in it. I just like the name. VRocker. How can I get that as my nickname?

Friends Are Like Weather

I know what you're thinking. "That's a very nice looking figurine. How is that not a quality donation?"

And you're right. It's very lovely (other than the snowflakes kind of look like a spine) and someone would pay a good price for it. What you can't see is the writing on the back of it. I copied it down so I could reproduce it here, but I don't want to get up. I'll tell you the gist of it. Friends are like snowflakes. There's more to it than that, something about them dancing around us and being unique, but the important part is that friends are like snowflakes.

Items with cutesy print about friends/sisters/puppies being precious gifts given by angels turn up all the time. The problem is that they always have the flimsiest similes a human being could conceive of. One item we received claimed that friends are like buttons. How? Because we collect them. My guess was that the number you have depends on the shirt you're wearing. Or because I keep mine in a jar on the sewing table.

So here are a few ways that the friends/snowflake comparison could be misconstrued. They change at certain temperatures. They only come around during the winter. Children try to catch them with their tongues. They're pretty at first but after week they sit by the side of the road looking ugly.

Feel free to leave your own version in the comments.

Burger Blaster

At the Donation Location, we are looking for items that we can sell for a decent profit. That money made will in turn go to helping people improve their lives. And you know what brings in the big bucks? Ketchup themed, space toys. This is an imperfect storm. It's a Heinz bottle that turns into a rocket ship. It's unnecessary and has shades of the robots that turn into buildings from Big. It's called a Burger Blaster. The tag line is "Heinz is the thick, rich fun." And check out that top illustration on the instructions. It's too much to focus on. Throw in how funny the word "condiment" is on it's own and you've got a double entendre overload.

Dicey

Continuing the recent literary theme, today we have a game for adults called Dirty Words. These are the rules: 1. Gather a group of friends who like the idea of being considered provocative or racy. 2. Pick from the cubes that have words on all sides. 3. Take turns formulating some adult-type sentences with your cubes, building off of the previous players sentence, in a Scrabble-like fashion. 4. After each turn say things like, "I'll keep that in mind for later tonight," or, "I do love having cream massaged into my buns;" knowing full well that the most elaborate bedroom activity you're comfortable with is an awkward, failed attempt at reverse cowgirl. The example I have provided here reads, "crave that slow ass thrust."

Questionable Books Pt. II

This was written by two black men. Isn't it weird how using "black" as an adjective doesn't sound that bad, but make it a noun and something just feels off. Let's use the first sentence to illustrate this point.

This was written by two black men.

(sounds fine)

or

This was written by two blacks.

(yeeesh)