Snuggley

You know what kids love? Decongestants!

Family Business

This book cover tells us two things:

1. Mind Transfer is about Power Rangers.

2. Janet Asimov is the Jakob Dylan of science fiction.

You Don't Know What the Queers Are Doing To Our Soil

Questionable Book is by far the most lucrative of all the bad doan categories. I had severely underestimated its potential. This book is by homos so it's not offensive. And there's a section in it called I Gave LL Cool J a Blow Job. Now, now, boys. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Classy Pt. 2 Mardi Gras Edition

Order your hand numbered Girls Gone Wild figurine now while supplies last.

Classy

Your eyes do not deceive you. This is a blouse with a thong attached. It's all one thing.

I assume this is from Europe. What I can't determine is whether it's supposed to keep your shirt tucked in or pull your thong out so it shows.

Another unknown of this garment: is it supposed to be sexy. I think my co-worker, Peter Flugen, summed it up best by calling it, "the mullet of shirts: business on top, party on the bottom."

High as a Kite

It's never too soon to talk to you children about the dangers of heroin.

And that's why the Build-a-Bear Workshop brings you Snowball the Dope Bunny.

We Got the World Spinning Right In Our Hands

This is VHS copy of Left Behind: The Movie starring Kirk Cameron. This is something that you can get for free. You can literally phone Mr. Cameron and he will personally mail you a copy, no charge. I know this has been mentioned, but at the Donation Location we sell things in order to make money to help people who are struggling to provide for themselves. As such, things that are given away for free are not acceptable donations. We can't charge money for things that are free other places. It's just bad economics. When you donate your free copy of Left Behind it's like taking used toilet paper to the recycling plant. It would be a good idea if a turd weren't involved. Unrelated Stat: The most frequently donated VHS at the Doan Loc are, in this order, 1. Left Behind 2. Titanic 3. Jerry Maguire 4. My Best Friend's Wedding And Titanic isn't even a close second. We've gotten box loads of Left Behind at a time. I've heard rumors of a Left Behind throne being built (this was before my time). I'm pretty sure copies are sent directly from the assembly line to churches that have no idea what to do with them.

G Up, Ho Down

In case you can't read the wording (the picture quality is poor, I apologize) this is a CD cover for Sandy Randall's album, "A Whole Lot of Texas and a Little Bit of Tennessee." This is available on iTunes. And it sounds exactly like this picture looks. Frumpy, awkward and there's a midget with Texas for a head playing slide guitar.

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Four things about this picture say "So long, virginity." 1. The shy but confident look on the young man's face. 2. The jaunty way the lady is holding her jacket. 3. The fiery passion barely contained in her prim smile. 4. This picture appears to be from the 70s, a time when things like key parties and sexing up the boy who mows your lawn were acceptable. In retrospect I should have opened this book to see what it was about. I assume that it's not actually a manual for older women looking to seduce young, Andy Samberg types. But the cover leads me to think it couldn't be anything but that. Author Ross Campbell, M.D. is a professor in Tennessee. Not that that means anything. I'm just saying.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

And by "gun" I mean "Triceratops cock."

It makes sparks when you pull the trigger. It's like an innuendo you can hold in your hand.

Never Forget

This is a newspaper clipping, a political cartoon I think. See, it's a giant pair of hands reaching out to two humans on top of the World Trade Center and the bottoms says, "God shed His grace on thee and crown they good with brotherhood from see to shining see." The lesson here is that towers are always phallic looking. No matter what.

Pine Fresh

If you are going to donate an item to charity and think "Someone could use this," then throw it away. Sure, someone could use your old, crusty air fresheners. But nobody will. If the value and purpose of your item is not obvious then it is trash. Your item is trash. A common problem at the Donation Location starts at home. A donor will be sorting through their belongings, making a pile for trash and one for charity. A toy that has seen better days, but might find a special place in a child's heart makes it into the charity pile. A book, still readable but with the cover torn off, goes in the trash. Now one pile begins to resemble the other and the donor begins to think, "Why am I doing this? This is all good stuff." Next thing you know, I'm debating the value of air fresheners that seem to have been stunt doubles for toilet paper. And then they let me in on the epiphany they had at home when they became to lazy to evaluate their belongings, "Well, someone could use this." Could they? Because I don't think they could, and if I'm not mistaken I'm the one who spends 40 hours a week selling used stuff to people. You're a jackass who wants to feel like he's "going green" by giving his shit to charity. Really you just want to get rid of your crap. Maybe poor people should be grateful for whatever you toss their way. Or maybe lower income doesn't mean lower standards and no dignity. Oh, you'd like tax receipt? Yeah, better get the deduction for your used pie pans. What's the point of "helping" people if you can't benefit from it. I'm done. I need to go take my inhaler.

Pedophile Playlist

Things to keep in mind when choosing songs for your compilation aimed at kids:

1. Songs called "Gonna Make You Sweat" are creepy to play for kids. If the kids like the song, they will learn it and then sound creepy singing along.

2. Don't choose songs written by people convicted of downloading child pornography and sexually abusing children.

3. DON'T CHOOSE SONGS WRITTEN BY PEOPLE CONVICTED OF DOWNLOADING CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUALLY ABUSING CHILDREN!

Those are the only rules. Very simple.

Note: "Gonna Make You Sweat" was not written by a child porn fan. Rock and Roll, Pt. 2 was.