Court-Martialed By the Redemption Navy

It's a sad day here at the WGWTD home offices in sunny Maracaibo, Venezuela. We will be shutting down shop for the foreseeable future. We have enjoyed bringing you a light-hearted look at the world of resale, but some people weren't likin' it. Your doans are safe...for now. <3 The Ware Wolf

It Had to be Straw

Leather fedoras don't breathe well. That's why, come summer time, Indy prefers a straw hat.

Dumps Like a Truck

It's a pink thong that says, "Man's ruin." It's sexy. It's provocative.

IT'S KIDS SIZE!

Run, Dick, Run

How to solve sticky predicaments like:

• Uncle Larry has you cornered in the basement again and wants to show you his favorite scene in Wild Things.
• Mom won't let you get your belly button pierced even though you're mature for an 8th grader.
• All your friends want to see the new Freddy Kruger movie, but you're a pansy who still sleeps with a night light.
• Mr. Spradlin is totally unfair. How are you supposed to do 10 problems over the weekend?
• Your mom bought you a shirt from Salvation Army that used to be Ricky's and now everyone knows that you're poor.

Witchy Poo

This charming Halloween decoration is a witch who has been strung up and had the words "broom parking in rear" emblazoned across her belly. This is an obscure reference to Nathaniel Hawthorne' s The Brown Bunny, the Scarlet Letter sequel adapted for film by Vincent Gallo. The townspeople force Hester Prynne's cousin to wear the sentence due to her proclivity for eschewing traditional intercourse in favor of anal pleasures. Get it, because it's in the rear.

There's a Reason He Got Top Billing

Oh my god! Oh my god! This is my favorite donation ever. EVER! It is a 2010 weekly calendar celebrating Meriwether Lewis. Not the dynamic duo of Lewis and Clark. Just Lewis! Who gives a shit? Aaaaah, this is great. I need a giddy emoticon to put here.

What pointless grudge spawned this product? Who in the year two-thousand-and-ten wants to celebrate Lewis but not Clark? I'll tell you who, the tiniest niche market in the universe: descendants of Meriwether Lewis. And one of them donated it because they thought it was lame!

The text in the green banner is hard to read but it says, "If that Sacajawea bitch got a coin then my great-great-great-great uncle deserves a spiral bound appointment book."

The Internet is for Porn

Donation Rule #69: We cannot sell the Spring Break Porn DVD you bought at a gas station in Galveston, TX.

Things I love about this DVD

1. The host is named Chingo Bling.

2. It has been hood tested.

3. It is baller approved.

4. White Gold Edition!!!

5. First picture to be censored on WGWTD?

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

Men in leotards prancin' around to Mozart on their tippy-toes? It's just not natural.

Sole Food

What you are about to see will not make sense Yes, it's dog food in shoes. Not even nice shoes. Crappy shoes. Don't believe me? Here is a closer look. "What are you donating today?" "Oh, just things that get yelled out when improv groups ask for topics."

A Striking Figurine

Jewish, pre-op tranny figurines are all the rage this season.

The Doan That Started It All

Seriously, ammo does not qualify as a charitable donation.

One Blog, One Cup

As promised to Patrick here is the Steak n Shake cup that was donated. Please, do not take this as a comment on the Steak n Shake brand or the food they serve. I have enjoyed their steak burgers (or whatever) many times, but the cup that comes free with a purchase of consumable liquid has no resale value.

Good Ol' Charlie Brown

These are from a Peanuts book called Happiness Is...

1. Happiness is being able to walk home from school without having to worry about getting beaten up .

2. Happiness is a big muscle.

I always new that Peanuts came from a dark place, that Charlie Brown was a stand in for Charles Schulz who always felt like a chronic loser. But good lord. Shouldn't we expect to not get beaten up while walking home from school?

Also, way to go Linus.

I'd Like to Romp In Her Room

More like Valerie Perv! Am I right? AM I RIGHT?

Seriously, that man wants to tongue kiss that girl.

Creepy cover photo aside, it's time we discussed the disturbing number of sub-genres that make up the Romance Novel. This is the Single-Mom-Finds-Swinging-Bachelor-Who-Falls-For-Her-And-Her-Child sub-genre. Not to be confused with the Woman-And-Man-Have-One-Night-Stand-And-Get-Pregnant-Then-Fall-In-Love sub-genre. I'm not making any of this up.

Special note to Patrick. I know I said that the Steak n Shake cup would be the next post, but I'm too lazy to find my USB cable and hook up my camera. So, we've got this. But I swear it's coming. Just like Raquel after Tanner impales her with his turgid member.

Penguin?

I never knew how much research was involved in the field of plush toy design. Now I know that the answer is zero. This is the worst approximation of a penguin I have ever seen. It's beak is a nose and there is a separate mouth.

What Do You Call the Seven Most Popular Girls in High School?

I may or may not be 12 years old.

The Things You Write Are Stupid

What kind of organizational system is this? Vases and jackets? Are they winter vases?

Here's a secret, house wares mixed in with clothing make us want to punch you. Or at the very least spit on your car. You might think that the jackets keep the vases from breaking. We don't give a crap about your vases. They're probably worthless.

Triple Dick Score

Donor: Here you go.

Employee: Scrabble, cool. Where are the tiles?

Donor: Dunno. Just got the board.

Employee: ...um, thanks I guess.

Donor: Yeah. Can I get a tax receipt?

*Blogger's Note: I know that wasn't very funny, but this is one of those donations that is so terrible I can't think straight. I just want to curse. And that would have been less funny. People who don't work at the Donation Location will think I'm being mean. My co-workers are reading this and wondering why I went so easy.*

The Power of Christ Compells You

Donation Rule #15: If your item looks evil, dipose of it. The Donation Locationeers are not certified to perform exorcisms.

Admit it. You had an audible reaction to that picture. Either that or you pooed a little.

A Little Night Music

Yes, David Rose and his Orchestra play "The Stripper" and Other Fun Songs for the Family. The hard to find vinyl gem has landed at the Donation Location. Hear other family appropriate toe-tappers such as "Street Walker," "All-Nite Porn Theater Waltz," and "Lil' Mabel Mudflaps." Perfect for the entire family that aspires to be on Behind the Music.

The Donation Location is Sorry For Your Loss

Rule #34 for donating items to charity. Any stock you have left over from your failed attempt to break into the craft fair circuit is not acceptable. This plastic, castle-shaped kleenex holder falls under this rule, as do diamond shaped ornaments made out of the same material. This thing is a classic Dead Relative Donation. Somebody's grandma died and they just scooped everything that was on her dresser into a box and couldn't handle the thought of throwing her things away. So they decided to give them away. Right now you probably think I'm a terrible person for writing that. But I'm not the one who donated garbage to charity.

Bustin' Out the Popcorn

This is the wrong kind of educational movie.

Off the Tip

This is from Hummel's "Red Light District" line of figurines.

To be fair somebody bought this, so it ended up being sellable and not a bad donation. However, I'm not sure if it was purchased by someone who saw its comedic value, an old lady who didn't think it looked like an engorged wang, or an old lady who loves children and engorged wangs.

Dear Annie

If you're a tiger, how insulted are you right now? When a tiger runs it is a display of power and majesty. And it is in order to take down gazelles. When a house cat runs, it is generally described as "spazzing out." As I write this, a cat is rubbing her face on my computer. Not very tigerish. This book is clearly for guys who prefer tabbies over bulldogs but still want to look tough.

Snuggley

You know what kids love? Decongestants!

Family Business

This book cover tells us two things:

1. Mind Transfer is about Power Rangers.

2. Janet Asimov is the Jakob Dylan of science fiction.

You Don't Know What the Queers Are Doing To Our Soil

Questionable Book is by far the most lucrative of all the bad doan categories. I had severely underestimated its potential. This book is by homos so it's not offensive. And there's a section in it called I Gave LL Cool J a Blow Job. Now, now, boys. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell.

Classy Pt. 2 Mardi Gras Edition

Order your hand numbered Girls Gone Wild figurine now while supplies last.

Classy

Your eyes do not deceive you. This is a blouse with a thong attached. It's all one thing.

I assume this is from Europe. What I can't determine is whether it's supposed to keep your shirt tucked in or pull your thong out so it shows.

Another unknown of this garment: is it supposed to be sexy. I think my co-worker, Peter Flugen, summed it up best by calling it, "the mullet of shirts: business on top, party on the bottom."

High as a Kite

It's never too soon to talk to you children about the dangers of heroin.

And that's why the Build-a-Bear Workshop brings you Snowball the Dope Bunny.

We Got the World Spinning Right In Our Hands

This is VHS copy of Left Behind: The Movie starring Kirk Cameron. This is something that you can get for free. You can literally phone Mr. Cameron and he will personally mail you a copy, no charge. I know this has been mentioned, but at the Donation Location we sell things in order to make money to help people who are struggling to provide for themselves. As such, things that are given away for free are not acceptable donations. We can't charge money for things that are free other places. It's just bad economics. When you donate your free copy of Left Behind it's like taking used toilet paper to the recycling plant. It would be a good idea if a turd weren't involved. Unrelated Stat: The most frequently donated VHS at the Doan Loc are, in this order, 1. Left Behind 2. Titanic 3. Jerry Maguire 4. My Best Friend's Wedding And Titanic isn't even a close second. We've gotten box loads of Left Behind at a time. I've heard rumors of a Left Behind throne being built (this was before my time). I'm pretty sure copies are sent directly from the assembly line to churches that have no idea what to do with them.

G Up, Ho Down

In case you can't read the wording (the picture quality is poor, I apologize) this is a CD cover for Sandy Randall's album, "A Whole Lot of Texas and a Little Bit of Tennessee." This is available on iTunes. And it sounds exactly like this picture looks. Frumpy, awkward and there's a midget with Texas for a head playing slide guitar.

Here's To You, Mrs. Robinson

Four things about this picture say "So long, virginity." 1. The shy but confident look on the young man's face. 2. The jaunty way the lady is holding her jacket. 3. The fiery passion barely contained in her prim smile. 4. This picture appears to be from the 70s, a time when things like key parties and sexing up the boy who mows your lawn were acceptable. In retrospect I should have opened this book to see what it was about. I assume that it's not actually a manual for older women looking to seduce young, Andy Samberg types. But the cover leads me to think it couldn't be anything but that. Author Ross Campbell, M.D. is a professor in Tennessee. Not that that means anything. I'm just saying.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

And by "gun" I mean "Triceratops cock."

It makes sparks when you pull the trigger. It's like an innuendo you can hold in your hand.

Never Forget

This is a newspaper clipping, a political cartoon I think. See, it's a giant pair of hands reaching out to two humans on top of the World Trade Center and the bottoms says, "God shed His grace on thee and crown they good with brotherhood from see to shining see." The lesson here is that towers are always phallic looking. No matter what.

Pine Fresh

If you are going to donate an item to charity and think "Someone could use this," then throw it away. Sure, someone could use your old, crusty air fresheners. But nobody will. If the value and purpose of your item is not obvious then it is trash. Your item is trash. A common problem at the Donation Location starts at home. A donor will be sorting through their belongings, making a pile for trash and one for charity. A toy that has seen better days, but might find a special place in a child's heart makes it into the charity pile. A book, still readable but with the cover torn off, goes in the trash. Now one pile begins to resemble the other and the donor begins to think, "Why am I doing this? This is all good stuff." Next thing you know, I'm debating the value of air fresheners that seem to have been stunt doubles for toilet paper. And then they let me in on the epiphany they had at home when they became to lazy to evaluate their belongings, "Well, someone could use this." Could they? Because I don't think they could, and if I'm not mistaken I'm the one who spends 40 hours a week selling used stuff to people. You're a jackass who wants to feel like he's "going green" by giving his shit to charity. Really you just want to get rid of your crap. Maybe poor people should be grateful for whatever you toss their way. Or maybe lower income doesn't mean lower standards and no dignity. Oh, you'd like tax receipt? Yeah, better get the deduction for your used pie pans. What's the point of "helping" people if you can't benefit from it. I'm done. I need to go take my inhaler.

Pedophile Playlist

Things to keep in mind when choosing songs for your compilation aimed at kids:

1. Songs called "Gonna Make You Sweat" are creepy to play for kids. If the kids like the song, they will learn it and then sound creepy singing along.

2. Don't choose songs written by people convicted of downloading child pornography and sexually abusing children.

3. DON'T CHOOSE SONGS WRITTEN BY PEOPLE CONVICTED OF DOWNLOADING CHILD PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUALLY ABUSING CHILDREN!

Those are the only rules. Very simple.

Note: "Gonna Make You Sweat" was not written by a child porn fan. Rock and Roll, Pt. 2 was.

Box

This isn't a bad donation. It's just a box that came with other things in it. I just like the name. VRocker. How can I get that as my nickname?

Friends Are Like Weather

I know what you're thinking. "That's a very nice looking figurine. How is that not a quality donation?"

And you're right. It's very lovely (other than the snowflakes kind of look like a spine) and someone would pay a good price for it. What you can't see is the writing on the back of it. I copied it down so I could reproduce it here, but I don't want to get up. I'll tell you the gist of it. Friends are like snowflakes. There's more to it than that, something about them dancing around us and being unique, but the important part is that friends are like snowflakes.

Items with cutesy print about friends/sisters/puppies being precious gifts given by angels turn up all the time. The problem is that they always have the flimsiest similes a human being could conceive of. One item we received claimed that friends are like buttons. How? Because we collect them. My guess was that the number you have depends on the shirt you're wearing. Or because I keep mine in a jar on the sewing table.

So here are a few ways that the friends/snowflake comparison could be misconstrued. They change at certain temperatures. They only come around during the winter. Children try to catch them with their tongues. They're pretty at first but after week they sit by the side of the road looking ugly.

Feel free to leave your own version in the comments.

Burger Blaster

At the Donation Location, we are looking for items that we can sell for a decent profit. That money made will in turn go to helping people improve their lives. And you know what brings in the big bucks? Ketchup themed, space toys. This is an imperfect storm. It's a Heinz bottle that turns into a rocket ship. It's unnecessary and has shades of the robots that turn into buildings from Big. It's called a Burger Blaster. The tag line is "Heinz is the thick, rich fun." And check out that top illustration on the instructions. It's too much to focus on. Throw in how funny the word "condiment" is on it's own and you've got a double entendre overload.

Dicey

Continuing the recent literary theme, today we have a game for adults called Dirty Words. These are the rules: 1. Gather a group of friends who like the idea of being considered provocative or racy. 2. Pick from the cubes that have words on all sides. 3. Take turns formulating some adult-type sentences with your cubes, building off of the previous players sentence, in a Scrabble-like fashion. 4. After each turn say things like, "I'll keep that in mind for later tonight," or, "I do love having cream massaged into my buns;" knowing full well that the most elaborate bedroom activity you're comfortable with is an awkward, failed attempt at reverse cowgirl. The example I have provided here reads, "crave that slow ass thrust."

Questionable Books Pt. II

This was written by two black men. Isn't it weird how using "black" as an adjective doesn't sound that bad, but make it a noun and something just feels off. Let's use the first sentence to illustrate this point.

This was written by two black men.

(sounds fine)

or

This was written by two blacks.

(yeeesh)